Disappointment
by Tabrina
Summary: When Logan became a disappointment, and his mother wasn't in the right mind to punish him, he began to punish himself. KOGAN  Rated T for adult themes! ANGST!


It had started when he was probably no more than eight years old. He had gotten a C on his first test, he had studied for as long as he could, as much as he could, but there was just a few things that he couldn't get to stick in his mind. He had still gotten the best grade out of everyone in the class, the teacher had decided to grade on a curve after that, but Logan knew his real grade. Kendall, Logan, James they all tried to assure him that he was only human, and getting a C was not the end of the world. To Logan and his mother though, this was clearly a failure.

"Logan, you know you can do better than this right," his mother had asked him when he handed over the graded test. He wasn't scolded, he wasn't yelled at, it was nothing like that. To Logan what happened next was worse. "I'm very disappointed in you Logan." The young boy had nearly cried himself to sleep that night, his thoughts plagued with how he had disappointed his mother. The next test they had, the boy refused to play with any of his friends the few days before the test. He did nothing but study, and had come home with an A, only missing one question. He was all too excited to show his mother.

"This is a good job Logan, but why did you get this one wrong?" She pointed her long red nail towards the only question with a red mark through the number. Logan remained quiet, almost afraid to tell his mother he just wasn't sure of the correct answer. He studied as hard as he could, went over everything at least three times. "This is unacceptable Logan." She merely shook her head at him, and handed the test back to him. It only ever got worse for Logan after that.

His mother began drinking heavily, ever since his father had run off with his secretary. She never beat him, never touched him, all she ever did was made sure he knew that he wasn't living up to her expectations. No matter how many times he would try to please her, she could always find something that he had done wrong, or messed up. She never yelled though, and Logan almost would have preferred that. He left it to himself for his punishment. When he was younger, he would ground himself, not going out to play with friends, or going to bed without supper.

The older he got, the worse he made his punishments. The older he got the worse his mother became as well. No one ever visited Logan, he always made sure that if Kendall, Carlos, or James were to want to hang out, it was done somewhere anywhere else but his house. He loved his mother, but he knew that for a younger kid such as him to be taking care of his usually drunk mother would only lead him somewhere he most likely didn't want to be. It could mean an orphanage, a foster home, it could mean he could be adopted by some family far away, and he would never see his friends ever again. So he kept it all to himself, no one ever knew. He even signed a note in his lunchbox 'Love Mom' to give the perfect illusion that nothing was wrong. No one suspected a thing, until Kendall decided to drop by to ask him to hang out.

Logan was ten when Kendall just showed up that brisk Saturday morning to ask to play hockey at the park with everyone else. When the knock at the door came, Logan figured it was the mailman, so when he let the door swing open, he was shocked to see his blonde haired friend standing there instead.

"Hey Logie, James, Carlos and I are going to the lake to skate, you want to come?" Logan stood there, motionless for a minute, attempting to think of where in the house his mother was, and hoping that wherever she was, she stayed there. Of course he never had that much luck.

"Logan, baby, where's mommies bourbon?" His mother stumbled from the kitchen, an empty bottle of whiskey in her hand. He felt frozen, looking from Kendall's wide eyes, to his mothers stumbling form.

"I can't play today Kendall, sorry, bye!" Before Kendall could even get a word in Logan slammed the door closed in his face, hoping Kendall wouldn't be angry at him, and hoping even more so that he wouldn't tell anyone.

Thankfully Logan was able to get his mother to the couch before she passed out, before going to the kitchen to clean up whatever she had spilled on the floor. It smelled terribly, and was also in the sink, and running down the side of the sink cupboard to the floor. He hoped it wasn't vomit, but it wouldn't have been the first time he would have had to clean it up.

Logan was happy when everything seemed to go back to normal the next few days. Kendall seemed a little too concerned about him but nothing too drastic. Logan figured that maybe Kendall would keep it to himself, and things would go back to just they way they were before. That's what he thought at least, until Ms. Knight and Kendall showed up at his door one night.

"Logan, sweetheart, you're too young to take care of yourself, and your mother…" Ms. Knight tried to speak to him, explain how this just wasn't okay, but Logan had already been doing it for at least a year or more by this point. He knew she was only being caring, but he knew he could do this, he could care for them both, and still manage to be ok. He begged Ms. Knight to keep quiet about it, to not tell social services, or police or anything. It took almost the entire night to convince her, and by the time they were all in tears, she agreed. She swore that it was against her better judgment, and that if Logan ever needed anything he was to call her or Kendall right away. She also wanted to be able to come over once a week to check on everyone, and Logan had hastily agreed.

It wasn't until he was thirteen that he found something that to this day he wished he hadn't. His mother had only gotten worse, but he still insisted on showing her any and every test paper, hoping one day he could please her, and that maybe, just maybe, that would pull her from her drinking. Yet there was one day that he felt that it would just be better not to show her. He had been so busy trying to take car of her, he just hadn't had the time to study, so he wasn't surprised when he had gotten a D on the test. He figured what she didn't know didn't hurt her, so as he sat his book bag on the chair in the kitchen, and began to get dinner started, he let it slip from his mind.

"Mom, dinner is ready," Logan called, listening as he heard his mother grumble something, and began the apparently long trek from the living room to the kitchen. "I made lasagna mom." Logan's mother turned up at the word as she held herself up against the door frame to the kitchen.

"Oh sweetheart, mommy hates lasagna." Logan sighed heavily, knowing that it never mattered what his mother made, she hated it. He imagined that nothing tasted that great when drunk all the time. As he began putting some lasagna on a plate for his mother and him, he heard papers rustling, but before he could move his backpack his mother had already grabbed his test. "Logan you got a D! How could you?" As Logan stood there mortified, his mother had tears rolling down her cheeks. "You hate mommy don't you! That's why you want to make me cry!" Logan felt his own eyes welling up with tears as he shook his head quickly.

"No! Mom, I love you! I just didn't have time to study…" He stopped short when he heard the glass shatter against the floor from the bottle his mother had previously been holding.

"Now you're blaming me, where's my sweet, smart little boy?" And with that his mother left the room, her son standing in the kitchen, alone, sniffling in hopes of keeping his nose from running down his face as his tears did. This was the first time his mother had raised his voice, and his failure had been the cause of it. His mind already working a mile a minute in hopes of finding some sort of punishment that could atone for the crimes of upsetting his mother to the point of tears. Somewhere deep in his mind, he knew that this wasn't his fault, knew that no matter what he did she would never be satisfied, but that voice just wasn't loud enough.

As his mind wandered around possibilities of punishment, none seeming good enough to him, he set about picking up the glass on the floor. He was too preoccupied to think to get the dustpan and broom, so he merely set about picking up the large chunks of glass, that is until one slid just the right way across his hand. He pulled his hand back quickly, staring down at the blood that already was beading at the surface of the cut and rolling down his palm. The shard of glass that had cut him had the smallest line of blood that reflected in the room's light, and suddenly Logan knew his punishment.

He knew it was wrong, he knew that if anyone were to find out that he would be in a lot of trouble, but he figured he was smart about it. Wanting to be a doctor, he knew the human anatomy well enough to know where major arteries and veins lay. He knew where to avoid, and where to cut. He knew the spots to cause the most pain with the least amount of scarring, or bleeding. He made sure that all of those places were always hidden underneath clothing. His hips and very tops of his thighs were covered in marks by the time he was fifteen. He never again went without supper, or grounded himself, he never needed to now that he had found his new form of punishment. There were no marks on his arms, that someone could grab to cause pain, no marks on his legs that would show if he wore shorts, or even if someone dared to catch him in his underwear. The marks were low enough on his hips that when his jeans would slip down a bit while he was reaching up, no one ever saw a thing. No one suspected anything of the boy.

Two months into being fifteen, he came home from school to the scene of his mother laying face down in his living room floor, in a pool of vomit. He had called the ambulance immediately, and Kendall directly afterwards. The ambulance was loading his mother into the back when Ms. Knight and Kendall arrived. Ms. Knight hugged him to her tightly, and Logan could merely stand there, not moving, not knowing what to do. After an hour of waiting in the emergency room, the doctor told him that his mother had apparently had a seizure, and by the time they had gotten to her, there was nothing that could be done. Logan was now what he feared from a young age, alone, and an orphan. His father was gone, and now his mother as well, he had nowhere to go.

"Mom, adopt Logan! Please! He can't leave, he knows us, he's practically family anyway!" Ms. Knight looked down at her son, who was begging her, tears in his eyes, while Logan merely stood staring down the hallway the doctor had once again left from. No tears were in his eyes, no emotion on his face, and Ms. Knight was at a loss. She had always loved all of the boys as her own children, Logan especially being that she had known him the longest, but taking him in as her own son. She wasn't sure how he would adjust. Even after the many years she had known the boy, and treated him as a son, he still was always so polite, so very un-son like in her home. He acted like a guest, something that she wasn't sure he could get over. Being that she was already a single mother of two on only her waitress salary, she doubted she could even get approved to be his mother.

"I'm sorry Kendall, but I don't think-"

"Try mom!" Kendall grabbed his mothers sleeve, looking up to her desperately, looking from Logan and back to his mother quickly. When Logan turned around looking like he wasn't even sure what was going on, she knew she had to at least try. If not for her own son, but for Logan.

"Logan, sweetheart," Ms. Knight began, watching as Logan's head tilted towards her, and almost chilled to the bone at the way his eyes almost seemed to be staring through her, like the eyes of a person long since dead. "Would you be ok if I tried to adopt you? You would never need to call me mom, and I can't promise I'd be able to, but I only want to try if it would be all right with you." Logan nodded, no emotion on his face as he dropped his gaze once again and as if suddenly everything came crashing down on him at once, literally. Logan fell to his knees and let out the most heartbroken scream Ms. Knight had ever heard. Kendall was at the boys side immediately wrapping his arms around him, as the boys screams never ceased, but merely turned into loud sobs and cries. Kendall wasn't sure what to do for his friend, so he merely held him, wishing he could fix everything, and knowing that he could fix nothing.

It took months to get a hold of Logan's biological father, that when called, didn't even remember who Logan was. For reasons the man would not begin to explain he refused to let Ms. Knight become Logan's legal mother, but he did agree to let her take care of him, and let him live with her. He said he would write her a check each month to help pay for bills, but that only lasted a few months before they never heard from the man. Kendall had gotten a job to help his mother pay for things, while Logan picked up odd jobs around the neighborhood to help out. He begged Ms. Knight to let him pay rent, and she always said the same thing.

"You can pay me rent in helping me around the house." So Logan did all he could whenever he could. Even going so far as to clean Katie's room, a place even Ms. Knight dared not go. He would have had to clean Kendall's as well, if it weren't for the fact that they shared the room. Logan said he wouldn't mind sleeping on the couch, or in a closet if need be, but even Kendall had insisted the boy share the room with him. Logan didn't find out until later that it was Kendall's way of keeping the boy close to him, so he could watch him, comfort him, and spy on him while he was changing once in a while. Logan wasn't stupid, he knew that sometimes Kendall would watch him change, but he made sure that the lights were always low enough that Kendall would never see the scars, or he was turned away, or he conveniently already had his underpants on.

As the year went on, Logan started forgetting his need to punish himself, and even began to feel a little guilty about doing it. The scars that covered his hips were constantly reminding him exactly what he had done, and was also a constant reminder of his mother. Not that he would have ever forgot her in the first place, but it would have been nicer to remember the better times than the bad.

Kendall was the largest factor in his healing process, as the longer time they spent together the closer they got, and not just emotionally, but physically as well. It started out innocently enough, the small bit of flirting, the lingering looks and touches. The one day it finally came out into the open. With James slightly angry help as well.

They had all come crashing into the living room at the Knight household, coming back from hockey practice. Kendall's mother was off at work, and Kate was at her friend's house supposedly studying. They had all gathered around the tv, after Logan had been nice enough to make everyone hot cocoa, James and Carlos arguing over what to watch on tv, while Logan just leaned into Kendall on the couch. Logan and Kendall had shared their first kiss, but not much else at this point, and being two teenage boys with hormones, things were getting a little difficult for both of them. They both knew what they wanted, both knew they could get it from the other if asked, but neither being daring enough to start it just yet.

"Why don't we watch something James wants to watch then watch what Carlos wants to watch after that, and switch back and forth?" James and Carlos both looked at Kendall like his idea was absolutely ludicrous, but neither could really come up with a better suggestion.

"Logan, who's idea do you think is better, mine," James said pointing to himself with a smile, "or theirs," he said pointing to Carlos and Kendall. Logan gave a small shrug that couldn't really be seen with Kendall's arm across his shoulders, but figured they could see it all the same.

"I think Kendall's idea is pretty good. It's a good compromise." James scoffed and muttered something under his breath that Carlos started laughing out loud at, seeing as he was the only one close enough to the pretty boy to hear it. "Wait, what'd he say," Logan asked curiously.

"He said 'Of course you'd say that. Why don't you just hop on his dick already.'" Carlos could barely get the sentence out as he was laughing so hard he kept squeaking. Logan blushed bright red, as even Kendall began to chuckle quietly. It was no secret amongst the four friends that the boys had a crush on each other. It was hard to be so close with one another that something like two of the four having feelings for each other went unnoticed.

"Well maybe he should then!" Kendall joked, as he pulled the blushing boy beside him into his lap and began obscenely thrusting up into him, and jokingly moaning loudly. "Oh yeah! Ride my dick Logan! Cuz James wants to watch! Don't ya James?" Logan was blushing so much his whole face was red, James was a bit colorful in the cheeks as well, but whether it was from Kendall saying he wanted to watch, or the fact that he was laughing nearly as hard as Carlos by this point he wasn't sure. The fact that Kendall was hard even from teasingly thrusting up towards Logan though, did not go un-noticed by the boy.

The thought of that moment stayed with Logan for the rest of the day, and by the time everyone had gone home, and Katie and Ms. Knight were home, and the time to sleep rolled around, Logan was actually slightly nervous about meeting in Kendall's room. It wasn't that he didn't want it, the exact opposite actually. He was nervous that if it did happen he would disappoint him, and disappointing anyone Logan just wouldn't allow himself to do.

"Logie, are you gonna come in, or just stand in the doorway all night," Kendall asked, arms folded across his chest in amusement. Logan swallowed hard and took a few hesitant steps into the room, watching as Kendall regarded him questioningly. "You ok?" Logan nodded, and as he stepped up to Kendall slowly, he watched as the boy uncrossed his arms reaching out to him for a hug, but Logan figured if he didn't take the dive now, he was going to be too afraid to do it later, and then everything would just be awkward. So he lunged at Kendall, knocking them both over onto the blonde's bed as he kissed him. Their mouths hit together quite harshly as they landed on the bed, but neither seemed to care and they merely continued their kiss.

Logan's hands went to Kendall's hair, and Kendall's hands went to Logan's rear end, where they slid into the pockets of his jeans and gave a squeeze. Things got heated quickly, and all Logan could think about was how gentle Kendall was with him, and how never once did he seem to be complaining or disappointed. Eventually Logan was flipped onto his back beneath the solid body that was Kendall, shirts discarded, lips still meshed together, hands traveling everywhere. Logan's mind was in a fog, which was probably why when Kendall went to pull down his jeans and underwear, he never protested, never even thought of the skin that lay hidden. Until Kendall stopped with a gasp, his underwear snapping back up to where they belonged on his hips. As soon as he heard the sound his eyes had welled up with tears, and as soon as Kendall's hands weren't on him, he was backing up against the headboard on the bed, trying to get as far from the saddened blonde before him.

"Logan… when… why?" Kendall asked, but he had an idea of when, and why. The question he didn't ask though, was one he desperately wanted to know the answer of, but couldn't bring himself to ask. The thought that Logan still may be doing it was killing Kendall to even think about it, and he had to know. "Take them off." Kendall was almost harsh in his tone, without even meaning to, but he just felt like he had to know. Logan merely shrunk against the backboard more, his eyes closed as tears rolled down his cheeks. Kendall could already feel his own cheeks wet with tears. His voice was choked as he begged Logan to show him. How had he missed this?

"Kendall, no… please… I-I can't." Logan pleaded, he couldn't show Kendall, he knew that Kendall would be so disappointed in him. He already knew that he was, just from the tone Kendall took with him now, and the way it was written on his face, just like it had been written on his mothers face.

"Please Logan, let me see. I love you more than life itself," whatever Kendall had planned to say was quieted as Logan all but lunged into his arms crying quietly, not wanting to wake Ms. Knight or Katie in the next rooms. "Please, please tell me you don't do it anymore Logan. Don't lie to me, tell me you don't, but please be honest." Logan shook his head against the chest of the boy who held him tightly, feeling the warmth of Kendall's skin against his cheek. "Let me see, please." Logan looked up at the boy sadly, not really wanting to, but took a deep breath as he unbuttoned his jeans and pulled them off, trying to stay as near to Kendall as he could while he did it. He left his boxer briefs on, knowing that they stretched enough that he could show all the markings, whilst keeping his modesty, even though just moments before he was about to bare it all to Kendall. He watched as Kendall looked down, watching his fingers as it pulled the right leg up of his underwear exposing a multitude of scars, some plain as day, others more faded, only showing in certain lights.

"Fuck… Logan…" Kendall moved his hand slowly, tracing over a scar that stood out amongst all the rest. One that must have been the deepest, right over the artery in the boys leg. Kendall knew exactly what that meant. "When?" Logan looked ready to speak or vomit, Kendall wasn't sure.

"Two weeks after I moved in." Logan flinched as Kendall's head whipped up to look towards him, Kendall's lower lip quivering a bit in his attempt to keep his crying at bay. "The blood on the floor in the bathroom. I didn't cut my hand… I… I'm sorry Kendall I just… wasn't strong enough." Kendall shook his head, resting his hands against Logan's cheeks, pulling the boys face to look at him.

"Logan, you're stronger than you give yourself credit for. You lived. With no ones help, you managed to overcome the urge to-" Kendall nearly choked on his next words. "The urge to kill yourself, and you lived." Logan shook his head, with a bit of difficulty with Kendall's cheeks encompassing his face.

"You helped me. Your mom, your sister, James, Carlos, everyone helped me. But… if it weren't for you…" Kendall kissed Logan's lips before he could finish. Their tears mixed on their cheeks as the kiss was full of everything neither could say at the moment. Kendall never wanted to think of Logan not being with him, and hearing him saying it, after seeing the fact that Kendall almost had lost him, was too much. When Kendall pulled back, neither one of them could keep their tears in check.

"Please, never again Logan. If you ever feel like you have to… do that. Do it on me instead, please just don't ever cut yourself. I'm begging you Logie." Kendall rest his forehead against Logan's, chocolate eyes meeting bright green, both eyes filled with tears, and slightly reddened. Logan shook his head against Kendall's not daring to close his eyes and break their gaze.

"I haven't done it… in a while. I'll never do it again Kendall, I promise. Just please… don't… don't be disappointed in me." Logan closed his eyes, not wanting to see it when Kendall told him that he already was disappointed, that now he had to take him to a psych ward, or something worse.

"Logan, look at me." When Logan merely shook his head, Kendall moved away to kiss the boy again. "Please?" Logan finally opened his eyes, keeping them tilted downward at the bed sheets before finally looking up at the boy before him. "I'm not, and never will be, disappointed in you. You amaze me at every turn, and you're so strong, but you don't have to carry this burden on your own. Let me help you." Kendall wrapped his arms around the small boy, pulling Logan's head just under his chin, as he rubbed his hand down the boys smooth back, and back up, in a calming manner. When he felt the small nod, he smiled, and sat back a bit from Logan. Placing one last small kiss on the smaller boys lips, he stood. "Lets get into pjs and get some sleep, ok?" Logan smiled a bit, and nodded, dressing quickly just as Kendall did. As he was about to climb into his own bed, he felt a hand on his wrist, pulling him into Kendall's bed.

"I'm going to protect you Logan. Always." Logan smiled as he felt Kendall curl up behind him, spooning him from behind, Kendall's arm wrapping around Logan's stomach his fingertips just barely touching the highest scars on his hips.

For years to come Kendall always did protect Logan, from everything he possibly could, and even as the scars mostly faded, Kendall always placed kisses along the area even in the most intimate of moments, and his fingertips always rest against the skin. He sometimes liked to believe that he had the healing touch Logan needed, and Logan always knew that Kendall really did.

* * *

_Seriously? I don't even know. The idea came up, it was supposed to be really short, then it wasn't. I was planning to write Jagan.. And then it turned into this. Kogan seriously owns my soul. Sorry about all the angstyness but ya…. Enjoy I suppose lol_


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